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Domestic Violence Frequently Asked Questions
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a crime. It passes from generation to generation and destroys families. It is abuse that one person uses over another person in order to gain and keep control of them. It consists of:
- Intimidation: The abuser uses threatening looks, voice, gestures and actions to keep her in constant fear. He may damage valued objects, hurt pets or punch holes in the wall to show what he can do to her. There is a constant threat that violence can happen at any time.
- Emotional Abuse: The abuser may use this type of abuse to control her such as harassing, insulting, embarrassing, ignoring or criticizing everything she does. This type of abuse is just as serious and can be as harmful as physical abuse.
- Isolation: The abuser decides what the partner does, where she goes, and with whom she has contact. He may limit or deny her access to the telephone or car. Eventually she may lose her relationships with friends, family and any access to the outside world.
- Blaming: The abuser may find any excuse to blame her for the violence, ignore that the violence occurred or not take the violence seriously.
- Using the Children: The abuser may use or threaten violence against the children, or try to get the children on his side and against their mother. In cases of a separation, he may use the visitation rights as a way to continue to abuse her.
- Male Privilege: The abuser makes all the decisions in the relationship and family, and may treat her as his servant.
- Financial: The abuser may control all of the money in the family by taking any money she earns and/or forcing her to ask for any money that she needs for the family or herself.
- Threats: The abuser threatens to commit suicide, take the children, hurt a pet, hurt or lie to her family and friends, or injure her. These threats work because many times, the threats have been carried out in the past or he has the means to carry them out in the future.
- Physical & Sexual Violence: The physical abuse may include pushing, shoving, locking out a household member, biting, abandoning in dangerous places, kicking, subjecting to reckless driving, hitting, punching, slapping, threatening with a weapon, choking, refusing to help a sick/injured household member, throwing objects or using a knife or gun. The sexual abuse can include forcing unwanted sexual acts, insisting on unwanted or uncomfortable touching, committing rape or incest, forcing sadistic sexual acts, treating others as sex objects or making demeaning sexually suggestive remarks about others.
Equality vs Power & Control: Relationship Based on Equality, Relationship Based on Power and Control
What causes the offender to be abusive?
Let's start with what it is NOT caused by:
- How the victim acts or looks
- Alcohol or drugs
- Problems from childhood
- Stress
- Physical illness
- Insecurity
- Financial problems / Poverty
- Inability to express his/her feelings
Batterers do what they do because they think it works and they can. Domestic violence is the result of a choice; it's as simple as that.
Can people who batter change?
This is a difficult and often asked question. Batterers must change their belief system that justifies the violence they commit in their relationships. The violence does not come from anger. Batterers who attend an intervention program still have the potential to continue to commit violence and victims should continue to evaluate whether or not they feel safe.
What is a Battering Intervention and Prevention Project (BIPP)?
A group (24 weeks in length) that includes:
- Education about the many forms domestic violence can take. Many people think that domestic violence is only when physical abuse occurs. The group is taught about other forms of violence (emotional, destruction of property, stalking, verbal abuse, etc.) and that it is NEVER the victim's fault.
- Batterers have attitudes and beliefs that lead to violence. For example: Men are better than women, women are possessions of men and violence is merely a way to solve conflicts. The intervention program works to help men have new non-violent attitudes that include: Women and men are equal, women deserve respect and that there are other ways to express feelings without being violent.
How do you know the Battering Intervention and Prevention Project (BIPP) will work?
There are no guarantees that ANY program will work. That depends on the batterer and their motivation to make changes. However, positive signs that may indicate that changes are being made, may include:
- He has stopped using violence and/or threats
- He takes responsibility for his actions
- You do not feel afraid when you are together
- He does not try to make you have sex when you don't want to
- You can express your feelings without being afraid of how or what he will do
- He does not try to make you feel responsible for his feelings
- He respects your right to say "no"
- You are able to negotiate difficult issues with him
- He listens to you and respects what you have to say even if he doesn't like or agree with it
- He admits that his violent behavior is wrong
- He realizes that he does not have the right to control you. You do not have to ask his permission to go out, go to work, see family and friends, etc.
- He stops trying to manipulate you
- He understands that the Batterer Intervention and Prevention Project will not "cure" or "fix" him and that changing his beliefs, attitude and behavior is a lifelong process - not a 24 week process
- He no longer __________________________ (fill in the blank with some behavior that used to take place before he became violent with you)
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